oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
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