Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
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Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
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Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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