They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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