I wanna bring you to show and tell
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
