I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
