i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
