Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
