I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I am spending my child support on dildos
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
