My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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