im drinking this country out of the recession.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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