My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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