I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
