i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
