i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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