Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
