Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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