Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
