Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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