At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
