whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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