Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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