I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
This house was built for laser tag.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
