Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I have already put on my inside pants.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
