I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Panties = found
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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