TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
