my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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