So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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