so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
