Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
