Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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