Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
