Don't make out with my wife yet
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
