butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
