I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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