Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
