Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
