Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
