i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
