happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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