I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
