Your mouth is God's brothel.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
