note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
