you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
