He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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