Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
