Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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