just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
