I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
well you can't waste a boner
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
COCAINE IS GR8
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
