Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
