he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
