She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
