I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
