My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
