Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
