i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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