I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
