tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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