I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
